KIMBERLY WALLIS' PERSONAL STORY |
NAME: Kimberly Wallis STORY: Seek and Ye Shall Find When I was a young girl, one of my grandfathers would playfully refer to me as a "perpetual motion machine." By others, I was known as "Miss Smiley." As I grew up, I was referred to with adjectives such as "passionate," "intense," "zealous." Indeed, throughout my life, I have had an insatiable desire to learn, serve, and implement truth. When I was a few days old, my mother, while outside hanging clothes to dry, received persistent promptings to "go check on Kimberly." Heeding this inner direction, she presumably saved my life by rescuing me from a two-year-old neighbor who was attempting to carry me down a flight of cement stairs. During the ensuing years, I have had numerous experiences where I followed the guidance of "spiritual promptings," thus further changing the course of my life and others. I have always had an intense love for and interest in other people. Somehow, being able to "tap into" a great amount of natural, spontaneous happiness, I have always desired to live in ways that would bring more joy to those around me and to the entire world. For some reason, I seemed to feel a deep sense of responsibility for the happiness of those around me. I remember as a young girl often feeling frustration overhearing the, to me, mundane and trivial conversations of others. The ways of this world seemed so frivolous and focused on the unimportant. Somehow, I knew that life could be so much more meaningful. When I was fifteen, I was given a singular "spiritual" experience as I stood quietly alone in my room. During the few minutes it lasted, I was told two things: "You will live your life with no regrets, and...the day will come when you will give birth to the Holy Spirit." Not understanding what this could possibly mean, I tucked it away in my heart and silently pondered on it from time to time. How precious and divine I saw my fellow "brothers and sisters". I would often have a sense that seemed to begin in my heart and well up and explode outward with love as I watched and considered others, even strangers. Oh, how I wished I could help each one see the grandeur of their being—as I saw it. Was there possibly some way that I could help them love their self as I did? I gave every cell of my body to the LDS Church in my attempt to live "joyfully" and find all the truth and meaning possible in life. Along the way, I continued to be "tutored" by "Spirit" and mentored in many things that appeared to be out of the realm of interest of I voraciously read the Book of Mormon, all the standard works of the church, the lives and writings of the prophets and apostles, amassing quite an extensive library along the way. All the while, the promises from my youth and my inner compass seemed to guide my zeal and efforts. And yet, I wondered often why there was no one else that seemed to be having the experiences, receiving the directions, learning the things I was. I served with all my heart, usually in ward and stake leadership positions. I memorized scripture, attended the temple nearly weekly, and gave myself heart and soul to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, my husband, children, neighbors and the Book of Mormon. Whenever I would share my apparently "para-normal" experiences in an effort to help and buoy up others, I would often receive blank stares or looks of disbelief. At other times, people would confide how their lives had been positively changed from our interactions. However, through my insatiable searching, I occasionally would stumble on deeply personal, spiritual accounts written by others. One night, in my thirtieth year, I was reading, deeply pondering and resonating with some of these experiences of others when I seemed to be "carried away by the spirit." It seemed to me that I was filled with the most brilliant, warm, pure light. It is impossible to verbalize the amazing JOY and heat that seemed to nearly consume me. I basked in the overwhelming feeling for quite some time. I also had many things brought to my awareness. The most poignant were the words: "Everything I have ever given to any of my children is held in reserve for you, as soon as you truly desire it." After the tremendous feelings seemed to dissipate, I got up from where I had been reclining and happened to pass by a mirror. Stunned, I saw reflected, instead of my physical body, a brilliant being of radiant light. Not understanding what I saw, I felt shaken and unprepared. This experience just intensified my efforts to realize all that the Father hath in store for any of his children. It was not enough for me to know all about God the Father and Jesus Christ. I wanted to KNOW them. I yearned to hear their voice with my own ears, to feel their arms around my mortal body, to see them with my own eyes, to be considered their friend. I resolved that, with every fiber of my being, everything that I was and everything that I had or ever hoped to be or have, I dedicated to completely KNOW and consistently and correctly serve God and my fellow man. How I desired to be their voice to this generation; to bring the hope and joy to others that I felt; to help rid the world of fear and unhappiness. I wanted to know "pure light and truth," to have "intelligence" distill itself upon me. I endeavored to purify my love The one relationship that seemed to need the most effort was with my husband. I adored him. I had given my heart and soul to him. Yet, along with periodic hope, my efforts seemed to bear no lasting fruit. Somehow, I knew that my love for him was not pure yet. Oh, how I yearned for a real, balanced, meaningful partnership and shared life with him. Not too long after our temple marriage, I began to consign myself to the seeming possibility that that may not to be mine until the eternities after all. Somehow, I reconciled, God would work a mighty change, and everything would be made right. Perhaps then, he might love and see himself as deeply as I did. Raising my children, I would attempt to teach them in ways that would all fit together within one whole realm of truth. Obviously, to me, the gospel of Jesus Christ (with the LDS Church that I wholeheartedly ascribed to) was at the very center and within all truth. I would have a Daily Devotional with my children that included reading from and role-playing stories and elements from the Book of Mormon. I taught them to read from that inspired book, to memorize its scriptures, learn to sing and play the songs and music of the faith on the piano, learning history as it stemmed from the gospel timeline, multiplication tables, science, etc. as it all played into truth, at least "truth" as I then understood it. Finally, in 2000, I began opening up my mind somewhat about the church and its leaders that I loved so much. With that important opening, I was able to consider certain things such as: the new Conference Center sure looks and seems like a "large and spacious building." Were there better uses for my tithing money for the many people in need in this world? Why did the most pertinent "revelation" seem to regard how many piercings an ear could have? Where was the "thus sayeth the Lord!" by those I revered as prophets? Where was the power? Where was the JOY? I began to allow myself to start questioning and deeply considering some of the very pillars of truth that I had accepted and tenaciously held to all my life. Why weren't the apostles themselves (or any member for that matter) having the experiences I was, or sharing them if they were? I knew that God was NOT a respecter of persons and that all could receive equally as they desired. Where was Jesus and the Father in all this? If Joseph had seen and experienced all that he had, and if I could also, then what about everyone else? Why was there so much fear and apparent apathy regarding the Spirit within each of us and its guidance? In early 2001, I went with my young baby to Gospel Doctrine class one Sunday. I saw my dear friends in attendance, watched a man I very much liked "teach" them, and yet I saw, superimposed over the scene, him plugging in pacifiers into their mouths and "lulling them off to sleep" with his words, words that came from a prescribed book from the "authorities." It seemed to me that the members were zombies just sitting in attendance for their weekly transfusion. My heart felt ready to break. In despair, I offered up a silent prayer, "Father, what do I do?!" "Go home," I felt. In amazement, I did go home. Having never even ditched a class in high school and giving 1000% of myself to the church, this was a most rebellious moment for me. Putting my baby down to sleep, I stretched myself out on my bed and let sobs break from my body. Finally, I was able to speak: "Father, I would scrub toilets for the rest of my life if that would help you in your kingdom. Where do you want me? Where can I serve you?" In answer, I received, "You can serve me the most where your heart feels the most comfortable" (repeated three times). I marveled as the words sank in. I pondered. I was "still" and waited…Where DID I feel comfortable? In the church that I had thought every day of my life was HIS? I had to admit, no. Although I had for most all of my life desired to attend and serve within it, I no longer did. My attempts now felt fruitless. I was then told, "Then I don't want you there." In awe and amazement, I realized that...I was not going back. Needless to say, this caused no small stir within my world. After a few weeks of not attending and of requesting to be released from my teaching calling among the women, the Bishop asked to talk with me. He and others assumed that I must have had my feelings hurt in some way or another. I had not. I just simply did not "fit" in their church any more. I was realizing that my "church" inside me was far more real than any mortal sanctuary and its regulations. I also realized, and claimed the right to have no "middle-man" in my personal and very real relationship with divinity. I wanted out of any and all "boxes". I wanted the FULLNESS of truth…with no barriers, no walls. I wanted to know the REAL truth and to let that truth completely set me free. The bishop implored me to come back, stating that many women in the ward had said that they didn't feel the spirit any more without me. I looked him deeply in the eyes and said, "Bishop, the women and the ward do NOT need ME, they need the Spirit for themselves. I will always continue to love them and desire to be their friend as long as they would like, but I am choosing to no longer participate in the church." I pondered on what I should do with my church "membership," but felt impressed to, "Let them do with you whatsoever they wish." My children each came to me within the next few days (although my oldest one did not for a few weeks) and asked if they could stay home with me and have me teach them on Sundays. Thus began some tremendously liberating and wondrously fun Sundays. My husband expressed great anger. However, after a few months he said that he had decided that he would, also, join us. With the restrictions off and then with my husband joining us, Sundays became so joyful and an opportunity to leave the "world" behind and explore nature and be together. I thought that perhaps my marriage would make it, after all. Now, I had very little outside On Mother's Day in 2002, I gave birth to a baby who then "died" in my arms at eleven days old. This experience, though unforeseen, brought blessings of peace and understanding in its wake, affecting many lives. I was grateful for the strength that I had gained already in my life that helped me peacefully flow through even this. After many experiences with my husband, I finally realized that I must love myself as much as I loved him and that my "marriage" to him should not put a ceiling on my JOY. As I had been so central in my children's lives, and as their father had had so very little to do with them, I fore-saw their disruption as being minimal, though I had longed to spare them any disrupt at all. However, that, I soon found out, would be far from their experience. After twenty years of marriage and nine children together, in 2003 I divorced my husband. Unwilling to fight him and forfeit my peace even during this, and viewing what my children were being put through in the "battle" being waged by "others", I chose to "surrender" to all his requests, including having no legal or physical custody of our eight living children (ages 3 through 17) as well as giving up many other "things" that would have been seen as my legal "right". Because I did not participate in "gossip" and endeavored to remain in peace and be guided from "above," the rumors freely flew about me. Because of these rumors, a church court was conducted on me, and, even though I had left peacefully nearly three years previously, walking away with no looking back, I was now officially excommunicated from it by my husband's Bishop (he had then decided to return to church activity). I also "lost" my "good name" and reputation among many of my previous friends, my relationships with my siblings and parents, homes, affluence, financial stability, dreams for the future, etc. etc. The most difficult was to see the systematic dismantling by others of my relationship with my children, along with the fear, shame and insecurity that entered their lives. Throughout it all, I felt heaven SO close, but just out of reach! Although I would never have believed that I had "asked for" all of those experiences, looking back, I realize that it was all an answer to my earnest prayers and deepest desires. One does not develop a love which is UN-conditional without having opportunities to experience and prove a love without conditions. There were times when I resorted to feeling like I had lost EVERYTHING. There were even times that I felt angry and wanted REVENGE. Gratefully, I made it through those moments, learned greater compassion and empathy for human suffering, and gained quite a bit of ground in my pursuit of greater light and knowledge and un-conditional love. Thankfully, I allowed peace and the words of Christ, as I then understood them, to be my compass, particularly Psalm 23. In early December 2004, I realized that that Christmas would be very different than any previously, in that I would be alone, without my children. As I realized this, I also realized that, like every prior experience, I could choose to be a "victim" or I could use these "ingredients" to create a "higher" experience. I immediately sent out a prayer that Jesus find His place in my heart that Christmas to a deeper degree than I had ever realized before. I then found myself greatly anticipating the wonder of the coming day! I was so incredibly happy, knowing that Father was sending a great blessing my way and wondering what it would look like. Three days before Christmas, a dear friend called me and told me that he had just come back from being out of town and had met a guy who claimed to have translated The Sealed Portion of the Book of Mormon. Although I had had nothing to do with the church and even very little to do with the Book of Mormon for quite some time, I felt an unanticipated and incredible surge of joy and expectation well up within my heart and mind. I had to sit down, I was eager to hear every detail I could. I immediately called the translator to speak with him personally, but was only able to leave a message. Before I was able to talk directly with him, I shared the translator's name with a very "psychic" friend of mine. He immediately warned me with a dire warning, giving great detail—some of which appeared to be accurate. I will be forever profoundly grateful that I did NOT allow myself to be swayed by the grave warnings, but answered the call from deep within my heart to "find out for myself, through my OWN experience the truth of this situation!" I was able to talk with the translator on Christmas Eve. After our conversation, I downloaded The Sealed Portion (www.thesealedportion.com) and read and read and read, hardly sleeping all that night. Christmas found me with my gift to myself having been granted! Thank you, Father!!! My life had been changed! In my great searching, and my intense desire for PURE TRUTH and NOTHING ELSE, I held out initially in my "decision" about the work. My desire was to have a completely open, child-like willingness to research, ponder, even possibly BELIEVE, letting go of any previous "knowings" that would prevent me from totally accepting it (if, indeed, it proved itself to me to BE true). There were times that I felt "shaken" regarding what I was reading. I wrestled somewhat with a couple issues. But my great desire was to accept whatever Father had for me and to not be deceived. Some of my previous "understandings" that had felt very comfortable in the past, I found myself trading for others of greater truth and more peace and understanding. Early on, the biggest stumbling block to me regarded the translator himself. As I read his autobiography and some of the things written ABOUT him, even out-of-context quotes BY him, by those who desired to present him in a spurious light, I questioned his ability to be a "prophet" and translator. I then remembered those things that had been spread about ME, and I reminded myself that "not all that is published and spread abroad is God's truth." Instead, by the "fruits" manifesting in my own life, I must judge the truth of all things. As I have hungrily read and internalized the doctrine of The Sealed Portion and the additional writings that have since come forth, my life has changed in unforeseen ways. I feel that my whole perception has changed. I never knew that I had been wandering around in the "mists of darkness." I had thought that I had had a pretty firm grip on the "Spirit" and "reality." I find myself now, though, seeing EVERYTHING so much more clearly! The Sealed Portion has given me a rod by which to measure all that I hear, feel, think and do. I began to see how I, personally, had unknowingly contributed to the inequality and poverty of the world and even the suffering of my faceless "brothers and sisters". By my accepting the "truths" early thrust upon me of materialism, patriotism, family and church...I had been preventing my own realization of lasting happiness and the acquisition of real Truth. Also, I began to see what a hypocrite I had been. Although I had thought that my love for my husband and others had been strong and unconditional, I now saw that it was not. I had wanted and hoped and even expected him to be and live up to the man I "saw" him to be in his heart. I had fallen right into "Lucifer's Plan" by not having complete acceptance of his ability to utilize his agency as he desired and chose for himself. Feasting upon The Sealed Portion has brought me INCREDIBLE PEACE and TASTED MORE DELICIOUS THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER TRIED. It has also given me concrete ideas for "course correction" in my life. All it has taken when I have been the slightest unsure is to consider the depth and consistency of the peace that I now experience, the tremendous amount of understanding and allowing that I feel for my "birth" children and all the others of my earthly brothers and sisters. The "mysteries" are now opening up for me, bringing joy beyond measure. The Sealed Portion, it seems, was a milestone, not a "final resting place," bringing me some essential "keys" and "code words" to understanding all truth. Although I had loved others and sought for truth all of my life, I realized that I had never truly loved myself as deeply nor completely. I had also validated the truths and witnesses of others sometimes greater than that within my own heart. The last few years of fine-tuning the "Golden Rule" has brought this all into greater harmony and balance. The JOY I now feel is beyond compare to what I felt previously. I believe my current JOY is akin to that which I felt as a little child—before I allowed myself to become ensnared by all the "crap" of mankind. The great peace I have received surpasses anything I have ever had to relinquish to acquire it. So here I am now, a single mother, raising a daughter completely on my own, having faced staggering debt and financial, career and relationship obstacles, more gloriously happy and feeling more "on purpose" than I ever have in the past. I need no one. I have such a deep and abiding acceptance and love for myself. I, indeed, have no Heaven on earth is lived daily and continues to increase its glory as I see more and more lives impacted by real truth. Life is GOOD. I feel like the very earth I stand on has changed. No more do I feel apprehension for my children, their future, or even the homeless or despairing in the world. I see that all is beautiful and that, though we're not all "there" yet, we are all on our way to realizing a world beyond compare—together. I am amazed by the simplicity and grandeur of the "plan." I love this work! It is my desire, with every cell in my body and with every breath I take, to live true to my real SELF and as outlined in the Gospel of Jesus Christ (which I now understand more than I ever have before). I am seeing my "place" within this plan. I surge with joy and acceptance—from within. For any who may read these words, I would encourage you to take Moroni's challenge (paraphrasing in my own words): Truly read ALLLLLLLLLL of The Sealed Portion (or whatever books of this work resonate most with you) with a broken open heart, and a COMPLETE willingness to prove all your (former) self WRONG. Read and ponder on the Questions and Answers of a True Messenger. THEN, as you read and ponder, you will be able to learn (remember) more and more as a pure little child. THEN, the taste can become very desirable and delicious to YOU. And then. . . your life can change and you can access the PEACE, the JOY, and the lasting HAPPINESS that your inner soul has been hungering for. Worlds without end. With great love for ALL, Kimberly Wallis P.S. While reading through what I have written here, I perceive how it's possible (if not probable) for a reader to view me as an egotistical (#!*&%). :-) However...I truly adore myself! I see myself as the most amazing creation in the Universe! I have no regrets in my life and see that every experience was an important stepping stone that helped to propel me to where I stand today…a glorious, divine being. Truly...a God! To me, this "new and improved" sight of mine is a direct result of my desiring to completely embrace this work. I view myself as: a "Marvelous Work and One of God's Wonders!" Indeed, I am nothing...and yet, I am everything! Equally, I see each of my fellow earth-mates as my (literal) brothers and sisters. Each one of them (YOU :-)), I believe...is just as amazing and awesome as I am! I stand all amazed at the glory and majesty of each of us...and all of us. What a cool family we are! :-) This vision brings me JOY! |
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